What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize