I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
