Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
