Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
