if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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