I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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