I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
