Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
