Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
