I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
