If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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