I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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