Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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