Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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