I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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