I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
In other news, I just burned my penis
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
