You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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