No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
