How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I believe in your delicious
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
