my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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