I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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