Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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