you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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