my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
where are you?
Hypothermia
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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