cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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