I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
