How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
