I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
