I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
