We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
