I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
