I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
