your parents love me but you hate me
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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