Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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