Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize