i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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