my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize