im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
