I faked an abortion last night.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
