it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
