How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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