my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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