I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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