somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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