Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
