Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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