i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
