I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
