Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
