C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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