omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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