So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
ugly people sure do ruin things
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize