dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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