I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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