I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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