i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
