i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
