This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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