and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Shame - the story of my life.
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