Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize