I cannot find my penis.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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