took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
