I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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