I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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