Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
