Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You took a bar mat shot.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
