my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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