It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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