remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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