dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize