Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
