you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
