i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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