Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
